An "Adopted Daughter" of ours (NOT Daphne) and her husband (most definitely not
Daphne's!) keep sending me this stuff
by email (I'd once told her that I rather enjoyed all the jokes she had sent (quite true!)
and that I might
one day put it up on a web page; ever since then it's been a fairly steady avalanche).
I have no idea where they get it, nor whether I'm stepping
on any copyrighted toes by publishing some of it here; if I
am and if somebody else wants to take credit (if that is the right word) for this material,
I'd be only too happy to let them have it.
In the meantime, without further ado, I present these various items of humour (some of which
sound as if they'd be more at home in a 'Darwin Awards' page). The only
reason I put them up was that I found them to be funny (well, sorta - some more than others,
of course); this is, after all MY page!
LIFE STYLE
If you can start the day without caffeine; If you can get along without pep pills; If you can
always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains; If you can resist complaining and boring people
with your troubles; If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it; If you can
understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time; If you can overlook it
when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong;
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment; If you can ignore a friend's limited
education and never correct him/her; If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a
poor friend; If you can face the world without lies and deceit; If you can conquer tension
without medical help; If you can relax without liquor; If you can sleep without the aid of
drugs; If you can honestly say that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed,
color, religion or politics..... then you are probably the family dog.
------------------------------------------------
An American touring Spain, after a day of sightseeing, stopped at a local restaurant . While
sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the
next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is
that you just served?" The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are
bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A real delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an
order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because
there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order,
we will be sure to save it for you!"
The next morning, the American returned early, placed his order, and, that evening, was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents
of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much,
much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor. Sometimes the bull wins."
------------------------------------------------
This is from a radio program, a true report of an incident in Michigan:
A guy buys a brand new Lincoln Navigator for $42,500 and has yet to make even the first of
his $560 monthly payments.
He and a friend like to go duck hunting in winter when the lakes are frozen. So, one cold day,
they drive out onto their favourite lake in the new vehicle, with their guns and the dog.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the
decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough that a wandering duck would come
down and land on takes a little more effort than just an ice hole drill.
So, out of the back of the new Navigator they take a stick of dynamite with a short,
40-second fuse. Now these two do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of
dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing, because they don't want to
take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and possibly going up
in smoke from resulting blast. So they light the 40-second fuse and throw the stick far out
onto the ice.
And now, enter the Dog. This dog is a Black Labrador, highly trained for RETRIEVING.
Especially things thrown by the owner! So, as you have probably guessed by now, the dog takes
off across the ice and catches the stick just before it hits the ice. Trying to stop the dog,
the men yell, scream, wave their arms but the dog is only encouraged by this demonstration and
keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog, but it is only loaded with
#8 buckshot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly
confused, but continues on back. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, is really
concerned thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. So it takes cover under the Navigator.
By now the 40 seconds are up and......- BOOM! -- Dog and Navigator are blown to bits and sink
to the bottom of the lake through a very large hole, leaving our two nimrods standing there,
with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company, claiming that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives
was not covered by the contract, refused to pay up.
And you thought you were having a bad day?
------------------------------------------------
The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a three-sixty --do a complete circle, a move
normally used to provide spacing between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it costs us two thousand
dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."
A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach speed a little high.
San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101 and make a right at the light to return to the airport."
It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at
Kansas City.
KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've got something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a
Malibu or a Chevelle."
Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal
on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our
caterers."
A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a
United 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you
going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to
tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it right! " Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell
you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when
I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after this verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage
the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
------------------------------------------------
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions designed to determine whether you are qualified to be a "professional".
The answers are below. HINT: The questions are really not that difficult.......
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference.
All the animals attend except one.
Which animal does not attend?
OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more
chance to show your abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross.
But it is inhabited by crocodiles.
How do you manage it?
The Answers:
1.Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.
This question tests whether you
tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2.Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.
3. The Elephant.
The Elephant is in the refrigerator.
This tests your memory.
4. You swim across.
All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting.
This tests
whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But
many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most
professionals have the brains of a four year old.
------------------------------------------------
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If not for STRESS I'd have no energy at all.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
We cannot change the direction of the wind... but we can adjust our sails.
If the shoe fits......buy it in every colour
------------------------------------------------
A man dies while he is wearing a blue suit, at the funeral parlour his family express regret that he has always wanted to be
buried in a black suit, but they cannot afford one..
The undertaker tells them to leave it with him and he will see what he can do.
The next time the family go back to the parlour there is their relative laid out in a beautiful black suit and the family are grateful
and ask the undertaker how he managed it.
"Well," he says, "as luck would have it another man came in and he had died in a black suit, but he really wanted to be buried in a
blue suit.....so".. (really chuffed with himself).." I just swapped the heads over".
------------------------------------------------
Garden Grass snakes can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes.
A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants and during a recent cold spell, the
wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
But there was a little green garden grass snake hiding in one of the plants and when it had
warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa; She screamed a very loud
scream; The husband who was taking a shower at the time, ran out into the living room naked to
see what the problem was. She told him that there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on
the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. At which time the family dog came and cold-
nosed him in the butt. The man thought the snake had bitten him and fainted. His wife thought
he had a heart attack, so she called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in and loaded the man
on the stretcher and started carrying him out. Then the snake came out from under the sofa and
an Emergency Medical Technician seeing it, dropped his end of the stretcher.
Which is when the man broke his leg and why he is in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He
volunteered to capture the snake. Arming himself with a rolled-up newspaper he began poking
under the couch. Soon he decided the snake was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the
sofa in relief. But in relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the
snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa, and
the neighbor, seeing her lying there, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her
husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag
of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
An ambulance was again called and it was determined that the injury required hospitalization.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with
his wife bending over him, so she assumed he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the
kitchen, brought back a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.
By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed
that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the two women tried
to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. They called an ambulance, which took
away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Just then the little snake crawled out from under the couch, One of the policemen drew his gun
and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table that was on one side of
the sofa. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke, it started a
fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window
into the yard on top of the family dog, who startled, jumped up and raced out into the street,
where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car and set it on
fire.
Meanwhile the burning drapes had spread to the walls and the entire house was soon blazing.
Neighbors had called the fire department but the arriving fire-truck had started raising his
ladder while they were still halfway down the street. The ladder tore out the overhead wires
and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area.
Time passed -----------------
Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was rebuilt, the police acquired a new
car, and all was right with their world-------
About a year later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night.
The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that was when she shot him.
------------------------------------------------
************************
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him,
"Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So,
the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared,
jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson? To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
************************
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,"
sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my
droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of
dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the
tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a
farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson? BS might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
************************
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird became hypothermic and
fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it was revived by its warmth.
The dung had actually thawed him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing
for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound,
the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lessons?
1) Not everyone who poops on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of poop is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep poop, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Here endeth your management course.
------------------------------------------------
1. And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger.
And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And Man said, "Super size them." And Man
gained pounds.
2. And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so
fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle
candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
3. And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon
bits, and shredded cheese. And ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
4. And God said, "I have sent you heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook
them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man
gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
5. And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan
brought forth cable TV with emote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels
between ESPN and EPSN2. And Man gained pounds.
6. And God said, "You're running up the score, you Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a
vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful
skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep fat fried them. And he created sour
cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And
Satan saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
7. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery... And Satan created HMOs...
----------------------------------------------------------
The CIA had an opening for an assassin.
After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three
finalists, two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a
large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions,
no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a
chair. Kill her!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent
said, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All
was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but
I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go
home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions: to kill her husband. She
took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard
screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened
slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is
loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------------------
A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the
First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see
her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to
sit in the back.
The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right
here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some
blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for
Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right
here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to
arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason. The pilot says "You say she's blonde?
I'll handle this. I'm married to a
blonde. I speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh,
I'm sorry". ..gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move
without any fuss.
"I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
------------------------------------
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's
crawling through the sands, certain that he'll soon breath his last, when all of a sudden he
sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls over to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it is an
old briefcase. He opens it and out pops a genie.... But this is not your usual genie: he is
wearing a Revenue Canada badge on a dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket and
a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this,” says the man. "Who ever trusts a Revenue Canada employee."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner
anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
"OK, I wish I were in lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF***!
The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, surrounded with jugs of
wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF***!
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious
gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter what, where ever I go,
beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF***!!
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story? If Revenue Canada offers you anything, there's going to be a string
attached to it.
------------------------------------------
A big-city, California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tenn. He shot a bird, but it fell
into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer was climbing over the fence,
an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator
responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property,and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S., and if you
don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Tennessee.
We settle small disagreements like this with the Three-Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked what this rule was.
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and
this goes on, back and forth, until one of us gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His
first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to
his knees.
His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly
when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you
old coot now it's my turn."
The farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women.
The University of Menonli, after many years of profound research, has come up with this
merit/demerit guide that will help you to understand just how the system works.
Remember: in the world of romance, one single rule applies:
MAKE HER HAPPY!
Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and you lose points.
But you don't get any points for doing something she expects of you.
(Sorry, but them's the rules of this game!)
Here is a reasonably comprehensive guide to the points system; it covers most of the
situations in which you're likely to find yourself.
ACTION | SCORE |
SIMPLE HOUSEHOLD DUTIES |
|
You make the bed...... | +1 |
........but forget to add the decorative pillows. Or... | 0 |
....you just throw the bedspread over the rumpled sheets. |
-1 |
You leave the toilet seat up. | -5 |
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty. | 0 |
Or not; you resort to Kleenex and......... | -1 |
.................when this runs out you use the next bathroom. |
-2 |
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......... | +5 |
.............but come back with beer and....... | -5 |
............no liners! |
-25 |
You check out a suspicious noise at night........ | 0 |
........and it is nothing or....... | 0 |
.......it is something......... | +5 |
......that you can pummel with your six iron. But....... | +10 |
........it turns out to have been her cat. | -40 |
AT THE PARTY |
|
You stay by her side for the entire party. | 0 |
You stay by her side for a little while and then leave her to go and chat with a College drinking buddy. | -2 |
..........whose name is Tiffany and...... | -4 |
..............who is a dancer....... | -10 |
..............with breast implants. | -18 |
HER BIRTHDAY |
|
You remember her birthday and........ | 0 |
............you buy her a card and flowers and......... | 0 |
............you take her out to dinner and...... | 0 |
............it's not at a sports bar! | +1 |
Okay! Okay! it is at a sports bar and...... | -2 |
............it's all-you-can-eat night and...... | -3 |
.............they've painted your face with the colours of your favorite team. | -10 |
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS |
|
You go out with a pal.......... | 0 |
.................who is happily married. | +1 |
.........or who is single and........ | -7 |
.................drives a Ferrari with......... | -10 |
...........a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED). | -15 |
A NIGHT OUT WITH HER |
|
You take her to a movie...... | +2 |
........that she likes....... | +4 |
................and you hate! | +6 |
Okay! okay! it's one you like...... | -2 |
................called Death Cop 3..... | -3 |
.........that features Cyborgs who eat people. | -9 |
But you'd fibbed and had told her it was a foreign film about orphans. | -15 |
YOUR PHYSIQUE |
|
You develop a noticeable pot belly. | -15 |
........but you exercise to get rid of it. | +10 |
Or not; you resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts to hide it. | -30 |
........and you say: "It doesn't matter, you have one too.". | -800 |
THE BIG QUESTION - SHE ASKS: "DOES THIS DRESS MAKE ME LOOK FAT?" |
|
.................You hesitate in responding. | -10 |
.................You reply, "Where?". | -35 |
.................You reply, "No, I think it's your ass". | -100 |
.................Any other response. | -20 |
COMMUNICATION - WHEN SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT A PROBLEM: |
|
You listen, displaying a concerned expression....... | 0 |
.............for over 30 minutes! | +5 |
.............and relate to her problem, sharing a similar experience. | +50 |
Or: your mind wanders until you suddenly hear her asking: "Well, what do you think I should do?". |
-50 |
You can listen to her for over 30 minutes without once looking at the TV. | +100 |
..........until she realizes that you've fallen asleep. | -200 |
-------------------------------------
.....IN SERVICE:
This week, all our office phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone repair people.
They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m. When I asked if they could give me a
smaller time window, the pleasant gentleman asked, "Would you like us to phone you before we
come?"
.....AT WORK:
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed I had never
signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the
transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary
to compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front
of her. She carefully compared the signature to the one I had just signed on the receipt. As
luck would have it, they matched!
.....IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. Our new neighbor recently called the local township administrative
office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many
deer were being hit by cars and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
.....AND IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went into a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the
counter for "minimal lettuce" but was told, rather apologetically, that they only had iceberg.
IDIOTS, IDIOTS EVERYWHERE, AND NOT A ONE TO THINK! #1:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put
anything in your baggage without your knowledge?"
IDIOTS, ETC. #2:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with a
coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals
blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded:
"Why on earth do they let blind people drive?"
IDIOTS, ETC. #3:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to
"downsizing", our manager cheerfully commented: "This is fun! We should do this more often."
The rest of us just looked at each other with that deer-caught-in-the-headlights stare.
IDIOTS ETC. #4:
I work with an individual who once plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life
of her couldn't understand why her system wouldn't turn on.
IDIOTS ETC. #5:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the
keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working
feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know - I've already done that side!"
IDIOTS, ETC. #6:
A few years ago, I was just finishing up my Christmas shopping, and had bought a gift
certificate, for my wife, using a credit card. The clerk asked me if I wanted the credit
receipt stapled to
the certificate and, feeling quite happy about having gotten this out of the way for another
whole year, I jauntily replied: "Oh, no! I wouldn't want her to know how much this cost!"
The clerk looked at me in wide-eyed wonderment: "Say, what a GREAT idea! I'll have to
remember that. Thankyou!"
And I'm still wondering who won that one!
---------------------------------
He was soooo lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the
local pet store and bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, and, after finding a good location for it, decided that he would
start off his new relationship by taking his pet to the local bar for a drink. So he asked the
centipede in the box: "Would you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"
Answer came there none. This bothered him somewhat, but he waited a few minutes then asked
again: "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again there was no answer. He hung around for a few minutes more, moping; then asked once
more; this time putting his face right up against the little box and shouting: "Hey, you in
there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?"
Came a little voice from the box: "Okay, Okay already! I heard you the first time! I'm just
putting on my shoes."
---------------------------------
For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However, recent information
from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light, they suck dark. Thus they
now call these bulbs dark suckers.
The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves: (1)The objective
existence of dark; (2) That dark is denser than light and (3) That it is also faster!
The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the
dark suckers in the room where you are. There is less dark right next to them than there is
elsewhere. The larger the dark sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in
a parking lot have a much greater capacity than those in this room.
As with all things, dark suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can suck
no more. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker.
A candle is a primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that even
after just one use, the wick has already turned black because all the dark which has been
sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will
turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the candle. If you did the same
thing with a finger, you'd see the same result (you'd also come to realise that dark can be
quite painful). Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.
There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these can't handle all of the dark by
themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit (called a battery). When the dark storage
unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable dark sucker can operate
again.
Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass generates
heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles present a special problem,
as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of through glass. This generates a great
amount of heat. Thus it can be very dangerous to touch an operating candle.
Dark is also heavier than light. If you swim deeper and deeper, you notice it becomes slowly
darker and darker. When you reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total
darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter
light floats to the top.
The immense power of dark can be utilized to our advantage. We can collect the dark that has
settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which generate electricity and
help push the dark into the ocean where it may be safely stored.
Prior to the invention of turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark out of the rivers
and lakes and into the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to solve it. When
on a river in a canoe travelling in the same direction as the flow of the dark, they paddled
slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when they traveled against the flow of dark,
they paddled quickly so as to help push the dark along its way.
Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in an illuminated
room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the closet door, you would see the
light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the
dark leave the closet.
In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much easier. So the next
time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is really a dark sucker.
----------------------------------------
"Never march in another man's parade."
----------------------------------------
MEMO: December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd at
Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band playing
traditional carols ... feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up
dressed as Santa Claus to light the Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees can be
done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMO: December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that
Hanukkah is an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas (though unfortunately not
this year). However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same policy applies
to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMO: December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
on the table that reads, "AA Only," you won't be anonymous anymore. In addition, forget about
the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be allowed since the union members feel that $10 is too
much money.
Patty Lewis, Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMO: December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and
pregnant women closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do
not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their table. Yes, there will be a flower
arrangement for the gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis, Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMO: December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even
if the anagram of "Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our own
"little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis, Human Ratraces
----------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMO: December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to hold this party at Luigi's Open
Pit whether you like it or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from the "grill of
death," as you put it, and you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes. But, you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
----------------------------------------------------------------------
MEMO: December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her stress-related
illness. I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd
off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director.
-------------------------------
A new two-year degree is being offered by The University of Menonli on "Becoming a Real Man".
That's right! In just six trimesters, you, too, can become a real man-as well as earn an MA
degree (Male Arts).
Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
MEN 101: Combating Stupidity.
MEN 102: You, Too, Can Do Housework
MEN 103: PMS: Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
MEN 104: We Do Not Want Sleazy (And Uncomfortable) Underthings for Christmas!
MEN 110: Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111: Understanding the Female Response to Coming Home at 4 AM.
MEN 112: Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
EAT 100: Get a Life: Learn to Cook I
EAT 101: Get a Life: Learn to Cook II
ECON 001A: What's Hers is Hers.
MEN 120: How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You're Wrong (as usual).
MEN 121: Acceptinging Your Incompetence
MEN 122: YOU, the Weaker Sex
MEN 123: All The Reasons to Give Flowers
ECON 001C: What Was Yours is Now Hers!
SEX 101: Yes! You CAN Fall Asleep without It.
SEX 102: The Morning Dilemma: If It's Awake, Take a Shower.
SEX 103: How to Stay Awake After Sex
MEN 201: How to Put the Toilet Seat Down (Elective)
MEN 210: The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency.
MEN 211: How to Not Act Younger than Your Children.
MEN 212: You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver.
MEN 213: Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise.
MEN 230A: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Too - I.
MEN 220: Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only).
MEN 221: Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary (Nor Does It Work!)
MEN 222: Real Men Ask for Directions.
MEN 223: Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay.
MEN 230B: Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important Too - II
EAT 110: Cooking with Tofu.
EAT 111: The Utilization of Eating Utensils.
EAT 112: Burping and Belching Discreetly.
MEN 231: Mothers-in-law
MEN 232: How to Appear to Be Listening
MEN 233: Just Say: "Yes, Dear"
ECON 001C: It REALLY IS Cheaper to Keep Her!
----------------------------------------
Just some thought for all the women out there:
MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps,
MENtal breakdown, MENopause, and ........... GUYnocologist :-)
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with men?
And when we have real trouble, it's a HISterectomy!
--------------------------------------------
Do you finf yourself falling asleep at meetings and seminars? And how about those long
conference calls? Here's a way to change all of that.
1. When yet another meeting, seminar or conference call threatens, prepare your "BS Bingo"
card by drawing a square - I find that 5"x 5" is a good size. Divide the card into rows and
columns - five across and five down. That will give you 25, 1" blocks.
2. Write one of the following cliches in each block:
synergy | strategic fit | core competencies | best practice | bottom line | revisit |
take that off-line | out of the loop | 24/7 | benchmark | value-added | proactive |
win-win | think outside the box | fast track | result-driven | empower(ment) | knowledge base |
at the end of the day | touch base | mindset | client | focus(ed) | ballpark |
game plan | leverage | meaningful dialogue |
3. Check off the appropriate block as each cliche makes its appearence.
4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout
"B******T!"
--------------------------------------------
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent and self-assured princess
happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into her lap and said:
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I really am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set-up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.":
~~~~~~~~
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs
seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself:
"I don't f***ing think so."
--------------------------------------------
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer.
They had been going at it for several days, and God was becoming tired of hearing all the
bickering. Finally, He said, "Cool it Guys. I am going to set up a test which will take two
hours and it will judge which of you does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and started computing.
They moused.
They did spreadsheets.
They wrote reports.
They sent faxes.
They sent e-mail.
They sent out e-mail with attachments.
They downloaded.
They uploaded.
They did some genealogy reports.
They made cards.
By ten minutes before the deadline They had done every job known.
But then suddenly, lightning flashed across the sky; thunder rolled; rain poured down;
and, of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word know in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.
Satan searched frantically, crying, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the
power went out!"
But Jesus just started printing out all his files from the past two hours.
Satan, observing this, became even more irate.
"Wait! Wait! He must have cheated! How in Heaven did he do that?"
But God just shrugged his shoulders and replied:
"JESUS SAVES."
--------------------------------------------
The following ad is reported to have generated numerous responses...
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE... Seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I also love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips and cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call xxx-xxxx and ask for Daisy." BLOCKQUOTE>Callers found themselves talking to the local Humane Society about an eight-week-old black Lab.
--------------------------------------------
ROMANCE
Jake lay dying.
His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. Tears running down her face, she held his fragile hand.
Roused from his slumber by her praying he looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest.Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice. "I....I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I fooled around with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know, I know......" Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
--------------------------------------------
THERE NOW!
DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU DROPPED IN?
Return to CYBERSTICKERS
Return to HOMEPAGE
A Continuing Project: First Published on: 08 September 2002
Last modified on: 15 September 2002