An "Adopted Daughter" of ours (NOT Daphne) and her husband (most definitely not
Daphne's!) keep sending me this stuff
by email (I'd once told her that I rather enjoyed all the jokes she had sent - which was
quite true! - and that I might one day put it up on a web page - which was then but a pious
hope! Ever since then it's been a fairly steady avalanche.
I have no idea where they get it, nor whether I'm stepping on any copyrighted toes in
publishing some of it here; if I am and if somebody else wants to take credit (if that is the
right word) for this material, I'd be only too happy to let them have it.
In the meantime, without further ado, I present these various items of humour (some of which
sound as if they'd be more at home in a 'Darwin Awards' page). The only
reason I put them up was that I found them to be funny (well, sorta - some more than others,
of course); this is, after all, one of MY pages!
Damn! But It's GOOD To Be A Man!
Damn! But It's Good To Be A Man:
Your last name stays put.
You get to have the den AND the garage.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care whether or not anyone notices your new haircut.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Less work... more money.
Wrinkles look good on you.
Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"
One mood, ALL the damn time.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
Dry cleaners, hair stylists and garage mechanics don't rob you blind.
You can leave the motel bed unmade.
You can kill your own food.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, they can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming.
You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking:
"He must be mad at me."
You don't mooch off other's desserts.
You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
Damn! But It's not just Good To Be A Man;
it's GREAT!
--------------------------------------------
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate: you do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.
If you're a she-bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)
while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone
who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too.
I could deal with that.
You get to turf the kids out of your home even before they get to be teenagers.
Wow! I could really deal with that!
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.
He EXPECTS
that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
He wouldn't have you any other way!
Yup..... I wanna be a bear.
--------------------------------------------
1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
3. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."
4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot."
10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."
11. "Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together"
12. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."
14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."
15. "He's been working with glue too much."
16. "He would argue with a signpost."
17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."
18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."
19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."
20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."
22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."
23. "Gates are down and the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
24. "He's got two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of a synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he's only gargled."
31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch '60-Minutes'."
32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."
--------------------------------------------
A married couple are driving along a highway doing sixty mph, the wife behind the wheel.
Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says: "Honey, I know we've been married for twenty
years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to seventy mph. He then says: "I don't want
you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
she's a better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases. "I want the house," he
insists, pressing his luck.
\
Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says: "I want the car, too," but she just drives faster and faster. By now she's up to
ninety mph.
"All right," he says, "I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too."
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says: "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife says: "No, I've got everything I need."
"Oh, really," he says: "so what have you got?"
And, right before they slam into the wall at a hundred mph, the wife smiles and says:
"The airbag!"
--------------------------------------------
Checking out of the grocery store, I noticed that the bag boy was eyeing my two adopted
children curiously.
They often draw scrutiny, since my son's a blond Russian, while my daughter has shiny
black Haitian skin.
The boy continued staring as he carried our groceries to the car. Finally, he asked:
"Those your kids?"
"Yes, they are!" I answered proudly.
"They adopted?" he asked.
"Yes," I replied.
"I thought so," he concluded. "I figured you're too old to have kids that small."
--------------------------------------------
Some "Senior" personal ads seen in Florida and Arizona newspapers:
| FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80s, slim, 5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus. | * * * |
| * * * | LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband is looking for someone to round out a six-pack plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem. |
| SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times. | |* * * |
| * * * | WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy. |
| BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen, let's get together and listen to my boss collection of eight-track tapes. | |* * * |
| * * * | MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together. |
| MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well. | |* * * |
Day 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! A TREAT! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - Oooooooh! Bath! Bummer!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 pm - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the
mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.
Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet
while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the
stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once
again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try this on
their bed.
Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into
their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat
I was....Hmmmm. Not working according to plan.
Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning
foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent such a
liquid. My only consolation in the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and
smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I
overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must
learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches.
The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an
informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every
move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time.......
--------------------------------------------
1. Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
2. Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes
with your rocker.
3. The older we get the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
4. Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want
people to know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
5. Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that
time when you know when to say yes and when to say no, and when to say
WHOOPEE!
6. How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?
7. When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your
youth, think of Algebra.
8. You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.
9. I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
10. The golden years are really just metallic: gold in your
tooth, silver in your hair, and the lead has moved from your pencil to your rear.
11. Life would be infinitely happier if we could be born at the age of
80 and gradually approach 18.
12. One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it
is such a nice change from being young. One must wait until evening before
you can see how splendid the day has been.
13. Age seldom arrives smoothly or quickly. It is more often a
succession of jerks.
14. Yeah, being young may be beautiful but being old is comfortable.
15. Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled,
and blind they don't recognize you.
16. If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything
to laugh at when you are old.
17. First you forget names, then you forget faces; then you forget
to pull your zipper up, and then you forget to pull your zipper down.
--------------------------------------------
HOW TO DEAL WITH A TELEMARKETER
I'm going to try this one:
I suppose some degree of commerce would be lost if telephone solicitors
didn't call people at home during the dinner hour.
But that doesn't make it any less annoying. Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco
Chronicle and a former telemarketer, has proposed "Three Little Words" that would stop this
nuisance for all time.
Just say: "Hold on, please." Then put down your phone, walk off, and get on with your life
until you hear the beep-beep tone of an empty phone line.
This, instead of hanging up immediately, would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming
and expensive that these boiler room operations would all soon cease.
--------------------------------------------
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story
with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley's Tale
"My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were
taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump
in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made an awful mess. The moral is don't
put all your eggs into one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Sarah's tale:
"Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We
had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral
to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."
"That was a fine story, Sarah." said the teacher.
Michael's Tale:
"My daddy told me this story is about my Aunt Karen. She was a flight
engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and
all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on
the way down so that it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred
enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.
Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the
last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher,
"what kind of moral did your Daddy tell you from
that horrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking!" said Michael.
--------------------------------------------
Her three sons, one by one, all left home, went out on their own and prospered mightily.
Getting back together one day, they boasted of the gifts they were now able to give their
elderly mother.
Milton said: "I built our mother a really big house."
Marvin said: " I sent our mother a Mercedes with a driver."
But Melvin smiled and said: "I've got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys the Bible, and
you know she can't see very well. I sent her a brown parrot that can recite the entire Bible!
It took 20 monks 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000.00 a year to
their monastery for 10 years, but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse,
and the parrot will recite it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks.
To Milton, she wrote:
"The house you built is so huge! I live in only one room, but I have
to clean the whole place every day."
To Marvin she wrote:
"I am too old to travel! I stay home all the time, so I never use the
Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Melvin," she wrote to her third son:
"You were the only one to have the good
sense to know what your mother really likes.
That chicken was delicious!"
--------------------------------------------
A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa and he took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.
One day the dachshund goes off chasing butterflies and before long he is lost.
He notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of lunching on him.
The dachshund thinks, "Oh Boy!, Am I in deep trouble now!".
But he notices some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the
approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are
any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack, a feeling of terror comes over him, and he slinks off into the trees, thinking
"Whew! That was a close one! That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good
use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So he chases after the leopard.
But the dachshund saw him heading off, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The leopard, furious at having been fooled by a mere dachshund, and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's
going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard returning with the monkey, but, instead of running, the he sits down with his back to his
attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet ....... and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says:
"Where is that damn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"
--------------------------------------------
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to the age-old question:
"Where do pets come from?"
Adam and Eve said: "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more.
We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."
And God said: "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of
my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable
you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve.
And He saw that it was a good animal.
And God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the
Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be
a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride.
They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are
loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they
are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the
supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat just didn't give a damn one way or the other!
--------------------------------------------
A Methodist couple felt it important to own an equally Methodist pet, so they went shopping. At a kennel specializing in
Methodist dogs, they found one that they liked a lot. When they asked the dog to fetch the Bible, he did it in a flash.
When they instructed him to look up Psalm 23, he complied equally fast, using his paws with dexterity. Impressed, they
purchased the animal and went home.
That night, they had friends over. They were so proud of their new Methodist dog and his skills, they called the dog and
showed off a little. The friends were impressed and asked whether the dog was able to do any of the usual dog tricks as well.
This stopped the couple cold, as they hadn't thought of normal dog tricks. "Well," they said, "let's try it out." Once more they
called the dog and they clearly pronounced the command, "heel."
Quick as a wink, the dog jumped up, put his paw on the man's forehead, closed his eyes in concentration, and bowed his
head... It was then that the couple realized they'd been deceived.
The dog was a Pentecostal.
--------------------------------------------
A woman was leaving a Starbucks with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching
the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second one long black hearse about 50 feet behind.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind the dog were 200 women walking
single file.
After watching for a few minutes, the woman's curiosity got the best of her. She respectfully approached the woman walking
the dog and said: "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral
like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The woman replied. "Well that first hearse is for my husband. My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further: "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law, she was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two.
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"You'll have to get in line."
--------------------------------------------
There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying,
"Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon, a customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10,
and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
The buyer guessed 8 but the proprietor said: "No, but you were close. The number was 7. Sorry, no free sex this time;
maybe next time."
Some days later, the same man, with a buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free
sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
This time he guessed 2 but the proprietor said: "Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the driver said to his friend: "I think that game is rigged, and he doesn't really give away free
sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged ... my wife won twice last week."
--------------------------------------------
When God created the cow He said: "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. Fot this I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Make it twenty and I'll give back the
other forty." And God agreed.
When God created the dog He said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes
in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's too long to be barking. Make it ten and I'll give back the other ten." And God agreed (though not
without a divine sigh).
When God created the monkey He said: "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. For this I'll give you a
twenty year life span."
But the monkey said: "How boring! monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what
I'll do too, okay?" And God agreed again.
Then God created the man and He said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing; just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty
years."
But the man said: "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what; I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back,
and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?" And God said: "Okay, you've got a
deal!"
And that's why:
for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing;
for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family;
for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren;
and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody who goes by.
--------------------------------------------
A fellow sticks his head into a barber shop and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says: "Oh, about 2 hours." The fellow promptly leaves.
A few days later the same fellow sticks his head in the door and asks again: " How long before I can get a haircut?" The
barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says: "About 3 hours." Again the fellow leaves.
A week later the same fellow sticks his head in the shop and asks: "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks
around the shop and says: "About an hour and a half." And again the fellow promptly leaves.
The barber, who is by now rather intrigued by this, looks over at a friend and says: "Hey, Bill, why not follow that guy and
see where he goes?"
In a little while, Bill, laughing hysterically, returns and the barber asks him:
"So, Bill, where did he go?"
"Your house."
--------------------------------------------
The "Stella" awards rank right up there with the Darwin Awards
(for those suicidally stupid things that people do).
They are annual awards for the most frivolous lawsuit in the U.S. and are called after a 1994 case in which a New Mexico
jury awarded $ 2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who had suffered third-degree burns to her legs,
groin and buttocks after spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself.
They illustrate how thieves, creeps and terminally stupid lamebrains can, with the aid of
completely unethical lawyers and juries who really are their peers, strike it rich!
Here are some recent candidates:
1. January 2000: A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas $780,000 because she had broken her
ankle tripping over a toddler who had been running around inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were quite
surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little one was Ms. Robertson's.
2. June 1998: 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his
hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was
trying to steal the hubcaps.
3. October 1998: Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania had just robbed a house and was leaving by way of the garage.
But he was not able to raise the garage door up because the automatic door opener malfunctioned. Neither could he re-enter
the house because the connecting door had locked when he pulled it shut.
As the family was on vacation, Mr. Dickson was locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi and a
large bag of dry dog food that he found in the garage.
He sued the homeowner's insurance, claiming the situation had caused him undue mental anguish.
And the jury agreed to the tune of half a million dollars.
4. October 1999: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten
on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced-in yard. The award was
less than Williams had wanted because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr.
Williams who had been shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.
5. May 2000: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania $113,500 after she
slipped on a spilt drink and broke her tailbone. The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her
boyfriend some 30 seconds earlier during an argument.
6. December 1997: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware successfully sued the owner of a night
club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out
her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms Walton was trying to sneak through the window in
the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental
expenses.
But the winner is:
Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City. In November 2000 Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new
32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip, having joined the freeway, he set the cruise
control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup
of coffee. Unsurprisingly (to all but Mr. G.) the Winnie left the freeway, crashed and
overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the handbook that he couldn't
actually do this. He was awarded $1,750,000 plus a new Winnie.
(Winnebago actually changed their handbooks on the back of this court case, just in case there
are any other complete morons buying their vehicles.)
--------------------------------------------
| Total membership | 535 |
| Number who have, directly or indirectly, bankrupted at least 2 companies | 117 |
| Number who have been arrested for Drunk Driving in the last year | 84 |
| Number who are too much of a credit risk to own a credit card | 71 |
| Number accused of spousal abuse | 29 |
| Number who are current defendants in lawsuits | 21 |
| Number accused of writing bad checks | 19 |
| Number who have been arrested on drug-related charges | 14 |
| Number who have been arrested for shoplifting | 8 |
| Number who have been arerested for fraud | 7 |
| Number who have done time for assault | 3 |
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints by QANTAS pilots and the corrective action recorded by mechanics.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
| Problem Reported by Pilot | Corrective Action Taken by Mechanics. |
| Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. | Almost replaced left inside main tire. |
| Test flight OK, except autoland very rough | Autoland not installed on this aircraft. |
| Something loose in cockpit. | Something tightened in cockpit. |
| Dead bugs on windshield. | Live bugs on backorder. |
| Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent. | Cannot reproduce problem on ground. |
| Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. | Evidence removed. |
| DME volume unbelievably loud. | DME volume set to more believable level. |
| Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick | That's what they're there for! |
| IFF inoperative. | IFF always inoperative in OFF mode. |
| Suspected crack in windscreen. | Suspect you're right. |
| Number 3 engine missing. (note: this was for a piston-engined airplane; the pilot meant the engine was not running smoothly) | Engine found on right wing after brief search |
| Aircraft handles funny. | Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious. |
| Radar hums. | Reprogrammed radar with words. |
| Mouse in cockpit. | Cat installed. |
Fella walks into a doctor's office and the receptionist asks him what he has.
"Shingles," he says.
So she takes down his name, address and medical insurance number and tells him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid comes out and asks him what he has.
"Shingles," he says.
So she gets his height, weight, complete medical history and tells him to wait in the examining room.
A half-hour later a nurse comes in. asks him what he has.
"Shingles," he says.
So she gives him a blood test, a blood pressure test and an electrocardiogram.
Then she tells him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor comes in and asked him what he has.
"Shingles," he says.
The doctor says, "Where?"
He says, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want them?"
--------------------------------------------
HOW TO CALL THE COPS
said to be a True Story.
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that
there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked: "Is someone in your house?" and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said: "Okay", hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again: "Hello I just called you a few seconds ago
because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all!"
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips
residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you
said that you'd shot them!"
George said: "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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THERE NOW!
DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER?
AREN'T YOU GLAD YOU DROPPED IN?
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